Sunday, September 16, 2007

RECIPES COMPILED BY DAVE ANDREWS

Carolina Barbecue
Ingredients:
5- pound Boston Butt roast
2 teaspoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups water
1 can (8 oz.) tomato sauce
1/4 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/4 cup brown sugar
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 teaspoon celery seeds
1 teaspoon chili powder
Dash hot pepper sauce
Instructions: Randomly pierce the surface of the roast with a sharp knife. In a Dutch oven, brown roast on all sides in hot oil. In a mixing bowl, combine remaining ingredients and mix well. Pour sauce over roast and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer 2 hours or until pork is fork-tender. Baste roast with sauce during cooking time. Slice or chop to serve.

Spicy Pork Steaks
2 pounds pork steaks
***DRY SPICE RUB***
1 teaspoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons black pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon rosemary
1/2 teaspoon salt
Combine dry spice rub ingredients and coat both sides of meat with barbeque seasoning. Let stand at least 30 minutes before cooking. Grill over medium coals (225) for about 15 minutes per side, depending on thickness. Sprinkle on additional barbeque seasoning after turning meat.

Mustard Glazed Pork Ribs
6 pounds pork ribs vegetable oil
***Mustard Rub***
1/2 cup spicy brown mustard
2 tablespoons dry mustard
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
***Honey Mustard Glaze***
1 tablespoon spicy brown mustard
3 tablespoons honey
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
One day in advance- coat ribs lightly with oil and apply rub. Refrigerate overnight (12-16 hours). Next day smoke ribs at 200-220F for 4-5 hours. Apply glaze 20 minutes before removing from pit.

Grilled Pork Chops With BBQ Baked Beans
4 Center-cut porterhouse pork chops; (2-inches thick ea.)
1 BBQ baked beans;
*** DRY RUB ***
1 teaspoon sage
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
For the dry rub, combine all ingredients, and mix well. Rub pork chops with dry rub and grill for 10 minutes on each side or until done. Serve with BBQ Baked Beans.

Barbecued Pork Loin With Grilled Onions
1 tablespoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dry oregano crushed
1 clove garlic minced
1 1/2 pounds lean pork tenderloins
1 large sweet onion
olive oil cooking spray
Combine chili powder, cumin, salt, oregano and garlic in small mixing bowl. sprinkle spice mixture over meat, pressing into surface. Arrange coals for indirect cooking. Place meat on grill, cover and grill for 30 to 45 minutes until thermometer registers 160F. Spray onion slices with olive oil cooking spray and place on the grill rack over coals last 10 to 15 minutes of grilling time. Slice pork and serve pork and grilled onions.

BBQ Pork Roast
3 pounds pork; center cut loin
1 tablespoon sage
1 teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon nutmeg
8 peppercorns
1 tablespoon season salt
1 cup applesauce
1/2 cup brown sugar
Combine sage, allspice, coriander, nutmeg, peppercorns and season salt in food processor. Pulse until spices are combined. Pat dry pork roast and press spices on fat cap of roast. Roast in dome BBQ grill until 160F. internal temperature with indirect roasting. This can be done with a pan directly under the roast and coals placed on either side of pan. Roasting time should be about 90 minutes. During the last 30 minutes of roasting, combine applesauce and brown sugar and coat top of roast. Continue roasting until internal temperature is 170F. Apply applesauce mixture until all is used. Remove roast from grill and let set for 15 minutes before carving.

World Championship Barbequed Ribs
5 pounds pork loin back ribs
***DRY RUB***
4 tablespoons paprika
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons onion powder
2 teaspoons pepper black
2 teaspoons pepper white
2 teaspoons pepper red
***BARBEQUE SAUCE***
6 tablespoons salt
6 tablespoons pepper, black
6 tablespoons chili powder
4 cups ketchup
4 cups vinegar, white
4 cups water
1 each onion, large, yellow, diced
1/2 cup molasses, sorghum Barbeque Sauce:
Combine ingredients in a large saucepan. Bring to a rolling boil, reduce heat and simmer 1 1/2 hours, stirring every 10 minutes or so. Pour into sterilized canning jars, seal and let stand 2 to 6 weeks before use. (If you are like me, not much chance of this happening, but it is a nice touch to the recipe - CWS) Dry Rub: Mix ingredients together thoroughly. Preparation: Sprinkle dry rub liberally on ribs. Allow ribs to stand 20 to 30 minutes at room temperature until the rub appears wet. Prepare a smoker for long, slow (230F) indirect cooking, using hickory chips or other hardwood chips for extra flavor. Cook ribs, bone side down, for 2 hours at 230F in a smoker using indirect heat. Turn and cook 2 more hours. Turn and cook one more hour. During the last 15 minutes, baste with barbeque sauce diluted by half with water. Serve ribs with warmed, undiluted sauce on the side.

Shake 'n' Smoke Ribs
***DRY RUB***
2/3 cup dark brown sugar; packed
1/4 cup paprika
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon black pepper
1 tablespoon white pepper
2 teaspoons coriander; ground
1 teaspoon salt
***THE MOP***
1 tablespoon butter
1 each medium onion; grated
8 each cloves garlic; minced
1 each 12 oz can tomato paste
1 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup molasses
1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
3 tablespoons chili powder
1 tablespoon dry mustard
These instructions are for beginning smoke/cooker enthusiasts. It should work equally well in the Brinkmann type of water/cookers as well as most other cookers. The main requirement is the ability to maintain the cooking chamber temperature between 180 and 250F and the cooker must have a water pan to maintain the humidity close to 100%. Add all of the ingredients for the rub into a Ziploc bag and mix thoroughly. Add the ribs, shake thoroughly to ensure complete covering of the ribs and store in the refrigerator overnight. About 5 1/2 - 6 hours before you plan on serving the ribs, fire up the smoker and make the sauce. To make the sauce, sauté the onion and garlic in a little oil until golden brown. Then add the remaining ingredients and stir frequently until everything is totally dissolved. Cook on simmer for about 30 minutes. Once the cooker has settle down to a good bed of coals, place the ribs on the grill over a pan of cold water. Let smoke, covered and undisturbed for about 2 hours. At that point, open the smoker lid and basted the ribs well with the mop, taking this opportunity to check the coals in the fire pan and the liquid level in the water pan. Replenish as needed, adding wet wood for plenty of smoke as well. Cook the ribs for 3 hours more, turning and basting them after 1 hour and again after 2 hours. As always in smoke cooking, precise timing is not terribly important here. Just keep the smoke up and the temperature between 180 and 240F and be liberal with your mopping. By the end of their 5 hours on the grill, the ribs will have long since reached the required internal temperature of 185 for fresh pork, but you can't overdo ribs by smoking, and the long, slow cooking will have rendered them tender to a tee. About 10 minutes before you are ready to serve the ribs, treat them to a final mop, letting it set to a tantalizingly rich glaze over what may be the most succulent ribs you've ever tasted. For finger-licking aficionados, provide yet more hot mop sauce served up in dipping bowls.


Coca-Cola Ribs
4 pounds pork ribs
3 cups Coca-Cola or Dr Pepper
3 cups ketchup
1 cup packed dark brown sugar
6 tablespoons chili powder
4 tablespoons ground black pepper
2 tablespoons dry mustard
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
Transfer the ribs to a large non-reactive glass or ceramic dish pour 2 cups of Coca-Cola or Dr Pepper over them. Reserve the third cup of the soda for a sauce to be made later. Let the ribs marinate, tightly covered with plastic wrap and refrigerated, overnight. About 6 1/2 hours before you plan to serve the ribs, start a fire in your smoke/cooker and begin heating a quantity of coals. Then turn your attention to the sauce. Pour the remaining 1 cup of soda into a blender or food processor and measure in the catsup, brown sugar, chili powder, pepper, dry mustard, and cinnamon. Mix until smooth and well blended. No need to cook this one, as least for now. Add some well-soaked aromatic wood such as hickory or mesquite to the glowing coals in your cooker. Set a pan filled with hot water in place, and smoke cook the ribs, covered at 220 to 240F. for about 3 hours. After this initial smoking, turn the ribs, slather them with the sauce, check the supply of wood and water in their respective pans, and continue cooking for another 3 hours, this time turning the ribs every 30 minutes and mopping them with sauce each time they're turned. By the end of the 3 hours, they should have long since reached the internal temperature of 160 to 170F recommended for pork. After the last basting of the ribs, tote the remaining sauce inside and simmer in a medium-size saucepan over low heat until quite thick. Serve the gloriously gooey sauce in dipping bowls with the finished ribs.


BBQ Pasties
4frozen pie shells; thawed
1 1/4 pounds pulled pork
4 medium potatoes; diced
1 large onion; chopped
1 carrot diced
1/2 tablespoon sage
1/2 tablespoon thyme salt and pepper
Mix all ingredients and put 1/4 in each pie shell. Fold the pastry over the filling to make half-moon shaped pies. Seal the edges and cut a couple of small slits on the top. Bake on a cookie sheet at 375F for 30 to 35 minutes, then reduce heat to 350F and bake 15 more minutes. I just replaced the meat in the pasty recipe with pulled pork. It gave it a nice smokiness and with the BBQ sauce, it was great. I like flaky crusts and hate rolling pastry dough, so I use frozen pie shells. I get one pasty out of each shell. This makes 4 pasties. Serve with BBQ sauce and a beer.

Chipotle Pork Tenderloin
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1/4 cup Chipotle sauce
1 clove garlic; (pureed or very -- finely chopped)
1/8 teaspoon or Salt & Pepper
1 Pork tenderloin
1) Mix all ingredients except for tenderloin
2) Place tenderloin on sheet of aluminum foil and cover with marinade. Wrap up tenderloin and place in fridge for 20-30 min
3) Remove from foil and sear on all sides over medium coals--reserve marinade and foil
4)Place loin back in foil with remaining marinade and cook using "weber indirect method" until done (about 175 internal) *Some folks might disagree with the use of foil, I just can't seem to find another way to keep such a lean piece of meat juicy.
5) Let meat rest 10 min before slicing, cover with remaining marinade after plating.


Boneless Pork Loin
1 boneless pork loin
9 cloves garlic
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup lime juice
4 crushed chile peppers
1/2 cup olive oil
Throw the marinade ingredients into a food processor, garlic and soy first, until mixed then add the rest. Marinate at least overnight, then fire up the grill using the indirect method. Put two or three large chunks of Hickory on the coals when they are ready. For an ~4 lb. pork loin it will take ~ 3 - 4 hours, adding charcoal and hickory as needed.


Barbecued Pork Loin With Grilled Onions
1 tablespoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dry oregano; crushed
1 clove garlic; minced
1 1/2 pounds lean pork tenderloins
1 large sweet onion
olive oil cooking spray
Combine chili powder, cumin, salt, oregano and garlic in small mixing bowl. sprinkle spice mixture over meat, pressing into surface. Arrange coals for indirect cooking. Place meat on grill, cover and grill for 30 to 45 minutes until thermometer registers 160F. Spray onion slices with olive oil cooking spray and place on the grill rack over coals last 10 to 15 minutes of grilling time. Slice pork and serve pork and grilled onions with Corn and Black Bean Salsa.

COOKING OF RIBS

Thaw and inspect ribs - If top of slab is showing any bone (a shiner) notify manager. These ribs are not to be served. Remove membrane.
Combine:
4 Lbs. Brown Sugar
1 Cup Black Pepper
1 Cup Seasoning Salt
1/2 CUP Paprika
Cook for three(3) hours at 225°. (Load fire box with two(2) logs) Load ribs on full size sheet pan single layer (do not stack). Wrap tray in film wrap. Load into warming cabinet for serving. SERVING OF RIBS Cut slab in half for order of ribs. If wet ribs-brush BBQ sauce on top (do not dip). Sauce should not be the dominate flavor but an enhancer. If dry ribs-sprinkle BBQ spice over entire top of rib. Juice from rib will absorb first coat. Apply again until rib has a dry appearance. Given to me on one of my trips to Memphis by a kind employee.

COOKING OF SHOULDER / SERVING OF SHOULDER
Combine:
2 Cups Seasoning Salt
2 Cups Granulated Garlic
2 Cups Black Pepper Rub shoulders
- Refrigerate 24 hours before cooking. Place shoulders on pit (three(3) logs in smoke box). Skin side should be down. Cook for twelve(12) hours at Z25°. SERVING OF SHOULDER Cool shoulder for 30 minutes. Remove skin and all exterior fat. Pull meat (never/never/never/ never chop our meat!) Given to me on one of my trips to Memphis by a kind employee

Orange-Honey Barbecued Ribs
Ingredients:
3 pounds country-style ribs
1 12-oz. bottle chili sauce
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
1/4 teaspoon grated orange rind
Instructions:
Place ribs on rack of broiler pan. Cover with foil. Roast at 350 degrees F. for 1 hour. Meanwhile, combine chili sauce, onion, honey, butter, garlic, salt and hot pepper sauce in saucepan. Bring to a boil. Cover; simmer 30 minutes. Stir in orange rind. Set aside. Remove foil; pour off drippings. Brush sauce on ribs; roast uncovered 30 minutes. Brush with sauce again. Roast 20-30 minutes longer or until ribs are very tender. Serve any remaining sauce with ribs.

Cowboy Barbecued Ribs
Ingredients:
5 pounds pork spareribs
1 cup water
1/3 cup butter or margarine
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup dry mustard
1/4 cup chili powder
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspon cayenne pepper
Instructions:
Place spareribs on broiler pan. Cover with foil. Roast at 400 degrees F. for 1 1/2 hours. Meanwhile, combine remaining ingredients in medium saucepan; mix well. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer for 30 minutes. Brush sauce on ribs. Broil 5 inches from heat for 7-10 minutes on each side. Serve ribs with additional sauce.

Brew 'n Barbecue
Ingredients:
3- pound boneless pork loin
1 12-ounce can beer
1/2 cup dark corn syrup
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1/3 cup prepared mustard
1/4 cup cooking oil
1-2 tablespoons chili powder
2 cloves garlic, minced
Instructions:
Place pork loin in a large shallow glass or enamel dish. In a medium bowl, stir together remaining ingredients; pour over pork. Cover and refrigerate overnight, turning occasionally. Remove pork from marinade. Place over drip pan on grill; grill, covered, with banked charcoal or on gas grill. Baste frequently with marinade. Remove from grill when meat thermometer reads 155 degrees F., about 1 hour. Let rest 10 minutes before slicing thinly to serve.

BBQ Pork Tenderloin
1 pork tenderloin
Dry Rub
2 tbsp. curry powder salt and pepper
2 cloves of finely chopped garlic Marinade
3 tbsp. Soya Sauce
4 tbsp. Olive oil
1 tbsp chopped ginger
Rub the pork with the dry rub and place in the marinade overnight. Heat BBQ to 350 degree (medium) and grill tenderloin for 10 minutes on each side.Let your pork rest for 10 minutes before you cut it!


Pepsi Baby Back Ribs
3 Ibs. Baby Back Ribs
3 12 ounces cans of Pepsi
3 tablespoons Garlic Powder
3 tablespoons Soya Sauce
Cut ribs into single servings and place into large disposable foil pan. Mix remaining ingredients together in a mixing bowl. Pour mixture onto ribs in pan. Simmer on barbecue over low heat with barbecue cover closed. Occasionally stir ribs and mixture with wooden spoon. When most of the mixture is gone the ribs are ready to eat. The meat will be tender and fall off the bones. Cut on half and serve with greens.

SOME PLACES FOR YOU TO VISIT WHILE YOU ARE DOWN SOUTH

Al Davis Barbeque & Grill
1023 Mississippi Blvd.
Memphis, TN
38126

*Alfred’s On Beale
197 Beale Street
Memphis, TN
38103

*Arnold's Bar-B-Que

6721 E Shelby Dr
Memphis TN38141

*A & R Barbeque

3721 Hickory Hill Rd
Memphis TN38115

A & R Bar-B-Q

1802 Elvis Presley Blvd
Memphis TN38106

*Bar-B-Q Shop Restaurant The

1782 Madison Ave
Memphis TN

Bar-B-Q Shack #1
809 Chelsea Ave
Memphis TN38107

Big D’s BBQ & Hot Wings
5020 U.S. Highway 78
Memphis, TN.
38118

*Brad’s Bar-B-Q
2845 Bartlett Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38134

Brown’s Bar-B-Q
1061 S. 3rd Street
Memphis, TN.
38106

Bubba’s
6711 Hidden Fern Ln. E.
Bartlett, TN.
38135

Bynum’s Bar-B-Q
1404 Airways Blvd.
Memphis, TN.
38114

C&J Barbecue
2019 E. Person Ave.
Memphis, TN.
38114

*Central B B Q

2249 Central Ave
Memphis TN38104

Coleman’s Bar-B-Q Pit & Grill
5175 Millbranch Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38116

*Corky’s Bar-B-Q
5259 Poplar Ave.
Memphis, TN.
38119

* Cozy Corner
745 N Parkway
Memphis, TN
38105

*Germantown Commissary
2290 S Germantown Rd.
Germantown, TN
38138

Gridley's Bar-B-Q

3624 Austin Peay Hwy
Memphis TN38128

*Gridley's Bar-B-Q

6842 Stage Rd
Memphis TN38134

*Gridley's Bar-B-Q

4774 Summer Ave
Memphis TN38122

*Hog Wild-Real Memphis Barbeque LLC
1291 Tully St
Memphis TN38107

Interstate Bar-B-Q & Restaurant

2265 S 3rd St
Memphis TN38109

*Jack’s Bar-B-Q Rib Shack
5099 Old Summer Rd.
Memphis, TN
38122

Jango’s Bar-B-Que
954 Jackson Ave.
Memphis, TN.
38107

Kelvin's BBQ & Wings

2675 Frayser Blvd
Memphis, TN 38127

*Kings Palace Cafe Inc

162 Beale St
Memphis TN38103

*Leonard's Pit Barbecue

5465 Fox Plaza Dr
Memphis TN38115

*Lois Pit Bar-B-Q
1456 Wells Station Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38108

Mike’s Bar-B-Que
73 Monroe Ave.
Memphis, TN.
38103

*Moma’s Bar-B-Q
6301 Stage Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38134

Mr. Pig Pit Bar-B-Que
3530 Ramill Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38128

Noel's Hot Pit Bar-B-Que

3024 S 3rd St
Memphis TN38109

*Neely's Bar-B-Que Restaurant

670 Jefferson Ave
Memphis TN38105

Payne's Bar-B-Q

1393 Elvis Presley Blvd
Memphis TN38106

*Payne's Bar-B-Que

1762 Lamar Ave
Memphis TN38114

*Pig-N-Whistle
7144 Winchester Rd.
Memphis, TN
38125

Public Eye
17 S Cooper Street
Memphis, TN
38104

*Rum Boogie Cafe

182 Beale St
Memphis TN38103

*Reese's Bar B Q

4606 Winchester Rd
Memphis TN38118

*Rendezvous Charles Vergos

52 S 2nd St
Memphis TN38103

*River City Bar-B-Cue

3465 Cazassa Rd
Memphis TN38116

*Showboat Barbecue

3711 Lamar Ave
Memphis TN38118

Showboat Barbecue

3200 Hickory Hill Rd
Memphis TN38115

*Smokey Bones BBQ & Grill

6980 Winchester Rd
Memphis, TN 38115

*Tastee Bar-B-Q
1028 E. Brooks Rd.
Memphis, TN.
38116

*The Pig on Beale
167 Beale Street
Memphis, TN
38103

*Three Little Pigs
5145 Quince Rd.
Memphis, TN
38117

Top Of The Line Barbecue
1351 N. Hollywood St.
Memphis, TN.
38108

*Tops Bar-B-Q General Offices/Catering
4515 Poplar Ave.
Memphis, TN

Willie's Famous Barbeque And Deli

1795 Dellwood Ave
Memphis TN38127

Willie Moffat’s
1616 Sycamore View Rd.
Memphis, TN
38134

*Willingham’s World Champion Barbeque
680 W. Brookhaven Cr.
Memphis, TN
38117

Saturday, September 1, 2007

TIME TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE

AIRLINE ATTENDANTS ANNOUCEMENTS

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa .. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants, the passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


Programmers lesson on how to save money.

Three programmers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a programmer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three programmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the programmers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the programmers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an programmer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three programmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the programmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."


THE PHARMACIST

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him,he's afraid to cough".

A JOKE FROM THE EAST COAST OF CANADA

A Newfoundlander calls the police to report that his wife is missing. Two hours later he finds that his car is also missing and he calls the police to update them. The officer says "That's some shame my son, we will try to find where they're to." The next day the officer calls with terrible news. "Sir, we found your car." "Great!" the Newfoundlander exclaims, "When can I get it back?" The officer explains to the man that it was driven off a cliff. and that his wife was found inside. The Newfoundlander asks if she is alive. The officer says "Unfortunately not, she was dead in the front seat with a dozen lobster attached to her." The Newfoundlander asks when he can come by and identify the body. The officer thinks for a moment and says. "We should be pulling her up again tommorrow."


Go gitcha momma.

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is. " While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.......... "Boy..................go gitcha Momma............."

25 SIGNS SHOWING YOU MIGHT BE A CANADIAN

If you are Canadian, you will get a chuckle. For our non-Canadian members, this may help with understanding us a little better. 25 Signs Showing You Might Be Canadian
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians. ( WELL MAYBE NOT CELINE, MORE LIKE AN APOLOGY )
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends! (Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them!)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE SOME POEMS THAT I HAVE WRITTEN IN THE PAST

A CITY RAIN
( I won an honourable mention with this poem which was judged by The League Of Canadian Poets)
The flash of a neon monster glimmers
upon the wet pavement, as the people
run for shelter
from the evening rain.

Car headlights shine on the wet asphalt,
and the air smells so
fresh and clean, as nature
washes away our dirt.

People running from door to door to
keep from getting wet, while others
hug to the sides of the
towering buildings.

Windshield wipers beat endlessly, their
rhythmic patterns, as they wait
impatiently through the
red, amber, green.

It’s nights like this, that make me
feel life is worth living.
And if I had my way, I’d have it washed
every week.
INNOCENCE
The fragrance
from deep within the
blossom, fills your
mind, body, and soul
with tranquil thoughts.

The bouquet,
is carried by the morning
breeze,
and is scattered throughout
the rolling countryside.

When it finally reaches us,
we may take notice
but only for a moment.

And that moment is,
the happiest
of our lives.
LOVE

To give love
is to live in
beauty.
And to receive
love is
to live in
an enchanted
world.
UNDERSTANDING

Trying to understand people
and have them understand
you.
When all the while you
can’t even understand
yourself.
ELDER

As time goes on and
we grow elder in years,
we pass through many
changes.

Some are easy to understand
and cope with,
while others are difficult
to adjust to.

But as time goes on we gain
much in wisdom, and know
that we are truly, not at
a loss with ourselves.
PROVOCATION
So many meaningless
words and
actions.
So many motions
carried out
without thinking.
And all the while
we do not see
that we are the
same
as them.
FAR AWAY PLACES

The continuous sound of
planes passing overhead,
keeps me dreaming of
far away places.
WINTER ( January 22, 1971 )

The warm weather will come and go,
and leave us here with winter snow.
A huge white blanket all around,
that covers every spot of ground.
Some mornings you just awake and see,
the lovely ice that's on a tree.
A beautiful work of art I'd say,
I hope it will last another day.
The frost designs on the window clear,
I wish would last throughout the year.
Children playing , having fun,
knowing winters just begun.
Families gathering at the countryside,
renting horses, for a sleigh ride.
People taking in winter sport,
knowing that the time is short.
Spring is coming real soon,
that's when all the flowers bloom.
Snow is melting in the town,
snowmen falling all around.
Winters coming to an end,
spring is just around the bend.

Ice is melting skating is done,
winter sports are on the run.
Now I guess we'll have to wait,
for next winter, to learn to skate.
The ground is coming up through the snow,
I guess it's time we'd better go.

HAD TO SHARE THIS FUNNY ONE

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother In Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

Tech Support

BARRIE SUNRISE


BARRIE SUNSET